It's been a while, you poor, neglected blog. Too much has happened this semester to even begin to write about it. Forgive me for another stream of consciousness. I've realized that I express myself best on here by just letting out my thoughts.
It's been a hard one, a happy one, a sad one; one of much growth. I'm not the same person I was last August. I don't think I've changed much at my core, but I've been thrown into an atmosphere in which I have to think about really hard questions. Questions that I haven't had to sit down and really think about before. And I'm telling you what, I do not have a philosophy brain. I find myself too often relying on my own intellect. Trying to change things myself. My prayer at the beginning of the semester was for the Lord to break me. To form me and shape my heart to be more like Him. It's been a hard process. It's been painful and sad and frustrating and just down right difficult. But if anything, it's a true testament of power of prayer and God's goodness. I'm learning all over again how to rely on God for everything. Making myself nothing. Giving him all the praise and honor. That way, anything good that comes from me, I know is of the Lord. I am learning to examine myself, to search my heart and acknowledge my sin, and lay it at the feet of Christ. To remember over and over again that I am not worthy. I am not worthy of this great love, but God chose me. He loves us all more than we could ever imagine. So much that He sent His son to die for our sins, and defeat death so that we can live with him in eternity. The Gospel flows through all. It seeps into every aspect of my life. I'm learning all over again how to serve. I'm loving deeper. I don't have to do anything but love Jesus and strive to live for him, the rest will come. I'm learning to let go. To live each day as it comes. I struggle with worrying and anxiety. It's no wonder 1 Peter 5:7 is one of my favorite verses. If I think about it too hard, I will be a worrying mess about all the work I'm going to have next semester and how the heck I'm going to lead Young Life and have somewhat of a social life on top of everything else. I have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one line of a paper at a time. Everything will get done. I am learning to be thankful for each day and to find joy in each day. I am so very blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a God who loves me. I am alive. I have a loving family and the opportunity to live and learn with wonderful people at Eastern. When I reflect on it, I see that my worries are futile. Who knows what God has planned for the rest of my life. I can't get too ahead of myself. I can't get ahead of God. I love the devotional, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It got me through my hard year at UT last year, and I've rediscovered it over this break. This line struck me this morning as I was reading: "Jesus doesn't take us aside and explain things to us all the time; He explains things to us as we are able to understand them"..."We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves. That is always the last bit of pride to go. The one One who understands us is God." God works in His time. I'm learning to surrender and praise Him in whatever "season" of life I'm in. I'm trusting the Holy Spirit to guide me, because He is the only one who truly knows me.
I will leave you with what my Western Civ professor always says as we begin class, "Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, it is now and forever shall be: world without end. Amen.
