Summer Sabbath

After snoozing my alarm several times, I roll out of bed and reheat the coffee that my parents made hours ago. I meander my way over to the couch in my living room and either read or journal or check to see if any of my favorite blogs have new posts. This is my favorite time of day. I make sure I eat something healthy so that I can run later. (Thank goodness for Fitness Magazine and their couch to half-marathon plan because otherwise the couch is where I would live this summer. All I need is a little accountability and the plan has done just that.) After my run through the familiar cross country course, I make it home and spend the rest of the day reading or doing chores or spending time with family. I love being able to be home during this time of year because I spend many evenings going to my siblings final soccer games, choir concerts, and senior activities. It makes me feel like I'm making up for not being around during the semester.

One aspect of this summer that I especially enjoy is that I have several small homework assignments to complete for a summer class that I'm taking. It has been beneficial for me to be forced to continue to learn over the summer. I always say I want to read a million books over the summer. By the end of each semester I lament, "Gah, I can't wait until I can read what I WANT to read."And then I end up watching Netflix or spending mindless hours on Facebook. Ask me how I find hours to spend on Facebook? Beat's me. It's a skill I've acquired over the years, one that I'm not particularly proud of. However this year, I have to read for my class and I love the books that we are assigned. Interacting with a good book is one of my favorite things to do. The margins are filled with my questions, exclamations "wow!", and hesitations "hmm." These books help me put my thoughts together about how and why I am going to pursue my vocation after school. The class forces me to continue writing over the summer, something I always wish I had done by the time school comes around and I feel like an incompetent writer compared to the end of last semester. These are habits that I hope to be forming for the rest of my life: running, reading, and writing.

I spent most of last semester flying by the seat of my pants (as the old saying goes). I had so much on my plate between Young Life and schoolwork that I never felt like I did excellent work in any aspect of life. (I do not think it helped that I did not like most of my classes). I ended the semester with good grades, which was a miracle in itself. However, I do not look back on this semester and feel like I learned anything mind blowing or really had to work through any material that changed my worldview or personal philosophy as classes in semesters past have done. Perhaps this is just due to the nature of the progression of classes in the honors college or perhaps I was so concerned with getting by that I didn't have the time to really wrestle with the material. I want to turn in excellent work. I want to be proud of my assignments. I am greatly looking forward to next semester during which I will have the time to do so.

That being said, I made several huge life decisions this past semester, one of which was to stop leading Young Life. That's another post in itself, but the process that I went to do make that decision was a long and hard one. I had to learn to wait and trust, to be patient, to discern, to seek wise counsel, to pray, and to make a decision. It was a long discerning process, but I am at peace. The Lord made himself evident throughout the whole process and I am so thankful for that. I'm going to miss my team and all my friends at GV, but I know that many friendships will transcend Young Life, for which I have so much hope.

This summer is going to be drastically different from last year's. Not any better or worse, just different. Last summer was a blessing that I didn't know I needed. It provided so much healing and love that stayed with me through the school year. It bonded Drew An and I forever. We learned so much and grew so much. It is a summer that I won't forget and will cherish always.

This summer sabbath rest is much needed after a long and stressful school year and I'm going to soak it in and enjoy and reflect and grow. It is a time to just be. Thank the Lord for the summer time.

Living In the Already But Not Yet.

Every year my church at home asks members to contribute to a Lenten Devotional. We are asked to reflect up on a Biblical Passage and share our reflections to be compiled into a devotional book that is will lead us through the season of Lent leading up to Easter Sunday.

Here is this year's contribution. Hope you enjoy!

Psalm 51

New Revised Standard Version (NRSV)

Prayer for Cleansing and Pardon

To the leader. A Psalm of David, when the prophet Nathan came to him, after he had gone in to Bathsheba.

¹ Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
    blot out my transgressions.
² Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
    and cleanse me from my sin.

³ For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is ever before me.
⁴ Against you, you alone, have I sinned,
    and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are justified in your sentence
    and blameless when you pass judgment.
⁵ Indeed, I was born guilty,
    a sinner when my mother conceived me.

⁶ You desire truth in the inward being;^[a]
    therefore teach me wisdom in my secret heart.
⁷ Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean;
    wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.
⁸ Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones that you have crushed rejoice.
⁹ Hide your face from my sins,
    and blot out all my iniquities.

¹⁰ Create in me a clean heart, O God,
    and put a new and right^[b] spirit within me.
¹¹ Do not cast me away from your presence,
    and do not take your holy spirit from me.
¹² Restore to me the joy of your salvation,
    and sustain in me a willing^[c] spirit.

¹³ Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    and sinners will return to you.
¹⁴ Deliver me from bloodshed, O God,
    O God of my salvation,
    and my tongue will sing aloud of your deliverance.

¹⁵ O Lord, open my lips,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
¹⁶ For you have no delight in sacrifice;
    if I were to give a burnt offering, you would not be pleased.
¹⁷ The sacrifice acceptable to God^[d] is a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.

¹⁸ Do good to Zion in your good pleasure;
    rebuild the walls of Jerusalem,
¹⁹ then you will delight in right sacrifices,
    in burnt offerings and whole burnt offerings;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Life is difficult. We face many hardships and disappoint ourselves daily. We live in a fallen world. This is apparent through broken friendships and marriages, betrayal, war, abuse of power, and the refusal to acknowledge another’s dignity. Though it is easy to list reasons how the brokenness of the world manifests itself in everyday life, it is often difficult for me to put myself in the “fallen” category. I am quick to declare that the world is sinful while simultaneously ignoring the parts of myself that are ugly and shameful. 

It is impossible to be human and not sin. Even King David who was chosen by God to be king of Israel, committed adultery with Bathsheba and then ordered the death of her husband Uriah. David, who we expect to be virtuous and Godly, was still prone to sin due to his fallen nature. Tim Keller, pastor of Proclamation Presbyterian Church in NYC writes, “The gospel is this: we are more sinful and flawed in ourselves than we ever dared believe, yet at the very same time we are more loved and accepted in Jesus Christ than we ever dared hope.” As David writes in this prayer, “Indeed I was born guilty, a sinner when my mother conceived me” (vs. 5). Because of our fallen nature, we are prone to sin, however, there is profound hope in Christ.

The paradox between sin and hope in God is made evident in this Psalm. David acknowledged his sin and repented. Self-reflection is necessary in order to know the depths of ourselves. We must dive deep into the dark parts of ourselves in order to repent and be transformed by the Holy Spirit. We are not to dwell in the darkness, but rather know that we have a God who has forgiven us, all of us, down to the core of our nature. He loves us and “desires truth in the inward being” (vs. 6a). God will cleanse us and make us whiter than snow. What deep meaning that holds after experiencing so much snow this winter. There is hardly a more pure, untainted sight than looking out the window after waking up to fresh snow on the ground. God promises to make us purer than snow!

The words David prays in verses 10-12 are a testament to the hope in the restoration that is happening in each of us and in the world. Paul writes in his second letter, “So if anyone is in Christ, there is a new creation: everything old has passed away; see, everything has become new!” (vs. 17)  Our beings are being transformed and renewed. Though we are sinful and fallen, we have a creator who is redeeming the world. Dwell in that hope and be joyful!

I would encourage you this week to take time in quiet reflection. Examine the deep, dark parts of yourself and lay whatever you find at the foot of the cross. God wants to bear our burdens and cleanse our hearts. We have a creator who loves us more than we can ever comprehend.

Prayer

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and put a new and right spirit within me. Do not cast me away from your presence, and do not take your holy spirit from me. Restore unto me the joy of your salvation and sustain in me a willing spirit. Amen.

I'm Allowed to be Angry

You hurt me. You really hurt me. You let me in and made me feel safe. I trusted you. Even though it was a new thing, it was natural and easy to talk about the future. You let me into your life. We were so honest with one another. I've never been so honest with a guy before you came along. Everything seemed to be going really well. There weren't any red-flags. I talked to my friends about everything, my best friends who can read me like a book and who will be honest with me, whether I want to hear it or not. They were on board. You seemed to be making an effort to get to know them, which I loved. You talked in terms of "when we date." Whatever it was between us seemed to have a future, a real future. You would stare into my eyes and it would feel like you were looking into my soul. You took me home to meet high school friends. We seemed to work. There seemed to be real potential. I wasn't being irrational or rash, but I was also beginning for form real feelings for you. I was being vulnerable and trusting. You seemed to be doing the same. We were in agreement that we both felt "really secure in this."

Then yesterday happened. The day you dropped the Atom-bomb. "I realized that I still like her and we should just be friends." Woah. That was not what I was expecting to hear when you told me that you had a bad day yesterday. I was so caught off guard. Hearing those words cut deep. I felt like you just slammed on the breaks and threw me out of the car.

It doesn't make any sense. You told me you were over here and you were just "unpacking," and that was the reason you wanted to wait a little while to start dating. When I told you that I liked you, you responded with "I'm interested." There were no red flags...no warning signs. Then you hit me with this out of the blue. It doesn't feel like you took my feelings into account. You spent the whole day with her yesterday. I feel forgotten and used. You promised that this was not a rebound. It sure feels like I was  rebound. It feels really rash.

One of my wisest and best friends pointed out that once you start dating someone it doesn't mean that you're immediately going to stop having feelings for other people. You will always be attracted to other people. There will always be residual crushes. That's natural. However, what matters is whether or not you choose to act upon those feelings. You can choose to "pursue" her now. Fine. That's going to hurt a lot. It's going to hurt to see you and her together, knowing all that you told me in these past two weeks.

I just don't understand. It's not fair. This does not feel like how I should be treated as your sister in Christ.

It's easy to be angry, but what makes it so hard is that I sincerely liked you. It hurts to see you around, it hurts to see your friends, it hurts to see things that remind me of you. It hurts to know that our friendship has changed.

However, I do know that my identity is not determined by this. I am grounded in Christ and the love of the Father. I am confident in who I am. That doesn't mean that I can't hurt. The Christian life is not all rainbows and butterflies. However, I have hope. I was vulnerable and trusting and you hurt me. This does not mean that God is not present in this. I know that He is working this out for good and I know I will learn more about myself and about who God is through this.

This is my constant prayer:

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name;
Thy kingdom come:
Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread;
And forgive us our debts as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil,
For thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory forever.
Amen.

Welcome to the Wilderness

Well, we made it! Three weeks ago Drew An and I caravanned with my Dad all the way up to Maine for the summer. It's crazy how fast time flies. Reflecting back on the time we've already had in Maine, it's incredible to see how blessed we have been. We have a great job with wonderful coworkers and a boss who cares for us so well. My family's "might as well be family" has taken us in once again. I'm just so thankful to have been welcomed into town. We're here before all the tourists come for the summer, so we've gotten to know more of the "townies," which has been really cool. My family is trying to rent our camp this summer, so whenever we have renters (or work the day shift) we stay in a cute little apartment that a close family friend is graciously letting us use. We've made a trip to Portland and some of our friends have already been able to visit.

Our time here has already taught me so much about myself. I've realized first and foremost I need to relearn to trust God and His plan for my life. I've forgotten what it means to surrender and to trust that God's plan is greater than mine. I want to see God in creation. He knows me better than I know myself, and is the only one who can equip me to do anything. In the midst of the beauty we're surrounded by, I am learning to love God, not at some far away creator, but a God who loves me and wants to have a personal relationship with me.

Basically, I'm learning to apply all that I've learned this year practically in my life. The process is only beginning, but I'm already feeling the growth and sense of peace that I know only comes from the Spirit. I'm so thankful to have Drew An here this summer to experience all this with me as one of the best friends I could ask for.

YOU Are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,
Kylie

Adventuring

Peter, Anna, and I bright and early Sunday morning!

There's not much better than a good adventure. This past week was my spring break. I had been anticipating it for weeks. It could not have come quickly enough. After staying the weekend around here to babysit, Sunday morning finally came! I packed up the car and met two friends to start the first leg of our trip to North Carolina for the week. It's amazing how many connections you make in college. We always had a place to stop and so many families who took care of us. Peter, Anna, and I left early Sunday morning, stopped in Lancaster to pick up Drew An and Hannah, and then hit the road. We made it to my house in VA for a late lunch (stuffed shells! Thanks, Mom and Dad). It was a trip of much singing and laughing and good conversation. We made it to NC that night to meet up with Cora and Ryan, who went down on Friday. It's funny how great a reunion can be even after a few days apart.

Monday, we went slept in, went exploring in the woods, did a little homework (ew) and then went grocery shopping for the week. That night, Drew An and I tackled cooking two rotisserie chickens. We bought them frozen, and didn't think about the time it would take the thaw and cook, but after several phone calls to ask our moms what to do, we were successful! We ended up eating around 10:00 that night, but it was such a great meal. We had chicken, veggie burgers for our vegetarians in the group, mashed potatoes, and sauteed brussel sprouts. It was such a fantastic meal and so worth the wait. We ate so well this week. Oh, and we had milkshakes almost every night for dessert. It was so fun to cook together, sing while we worked, and then clean up afterwards all together. We would pile in the kitchen after meals and just hang out. Peter and Ryan demanded for us to let them do the dishes every night, which was such a nice gesture. We all served and loved each other very well this week.

The whole group at the top of the mountain!

All of us at Hooker Falls.

Tuesday, everyone but Hannah, our resident anti-outdoorsy person, went on a hike. We packed up lunches, piled into our two cars and headed for the mountains outside Asheville. We stopped at Hooker Falls, ate lunch there, and then continued onto a different hike. When we got home, Hannah had prepared a fantastic dinner for us. We began a tradition of singing the Doxology as our prayer. The harmonies that came out of all of us was incredible. I still get chills thinking about it. This was one of my favorite nights. We ended up sharing our stories, praying, and singing worship together. It was such a special time. We really got to know one another this week, and I'm really thankful for that. Spending time with people I love away from the stresses of school was so great. We got to really know each other. It was like the camping trip: part 2.

Wednesday, we spent the day doing homework, which was needed. I know I had neglected a lot of work that needed to be done. Thankfully, though, we found a cute coffee shop in town with wifi and we camped out there for several hours. When we got back, we ate dinner, had milkshakes again, and then went on a night hike. The stars were SO bright. I haven't seen stars like that since this summer in Maine. It was incredible. Wednesday also involved chair dancing. 'Nuf said.

Thursday, Abbie left us to go back to Greensboro and Cora, Anna, and Hannah took a trip to the Biltmore, a historic home in Asheville. Drew An, Ryan, Peter, and I hung back at the house to do some more homework and hang out. It was a gorgeous day, so Drew and I went exploring by the river and took some pictures. It was a great day. Once the rest of the group got back, we had dinner and hung out. After Tuesday, we ended each night with worship and singing together. It was great. 

Drew An and me!

Anna, Drew An, and me!

Friday was our last full day in NC. Peter and Cora took a trip to Boone to visit some friends, Drew An, Anna, and I drove to Chimney Rock to hike, and Ryan and Hannah stayed back to do homework. We unfortunately weren't able to hike, because it was $15 a person to get to the top of the mountain (...wut?) so we decided to explore the cute little town of Chimney Rock and just dilly dally on the way back to the house, taking many many pictures on the way. It was a day full of fun and great conversation. We made a pit stop at a fantastic thrift store and Bojangles, which made the trip complete. Once we got back, Cora and Peter's friend Kristen joined us for dinner, which was so fun, and then we spent the rest of the night just hanging out.

We packed up Saturday morning, said our goodbyes to our hosts, stopped at the Trift Store again (80 cents for a sweater) and then hit the road for VA. We had some noobies for Cook-Out, so we had to stop for a milkshake on the way. Can you see a milkshake theme for the week? We made it to my house, had a great meal from my fam, watched the Princess Bride, and crashed. 

Sunday, we slept in, packed up, and headed back to Eastern. Once we got back to campus, though, we weren't ready for our week to end...so we decided to go out to dinner together. To top of the best week, Cora's neighbor happened to be a Chili's at the same time at gave us a $50 gift card to cover our meal. It was incredible. 

I'm so thankful for these people and the time we got to spend together this week. I'm truly blessed to be a part of this community. I love you all.

Lent Devotional 2013

Every year, my church puts together a daily devotional book that takes us through the season of Lent. For the past several years, I've been asked to contribute. I hope you enjoy.

Deuteronomy 10:12-22

12 And now, Israel, what does the Lord your God ask of you but to fear the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul, 13 and to observe the Lord’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good?
14 To the Lord your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. 15 Yet the Lord set his affection on your ancestors and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations—as it is today. 16 Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. 17 For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. 18 He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. 19 And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. 20 Fear the Lord your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. 21 He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. 22 Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the Lord your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky.

I have heard many analogies for sin, but one that resonates most with me is this: ever since sin entered the world, humanity began to dig a hole, one that separated us from God and could not be filled. Nothing that we can do can fill the hole. We are indebted to God. We owe Him more than we can ever pay. In the words of St. Anselm, “Sin is nothing else than not to render to God his due, and the wish of every rational creature should be subject to the will of God.” The will of God is to “fear the LORD your God, to walk in all his ways, to love him, to serve the LORD with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees” (Deut. 10:12-13). The law was created for the good of the Israelites, so that they could find favor in God, but because of sin, it was impossible. Even though this passage is originally addressed to the Israelites, who could not possibly love God the way he required them to under the law, through the grace of God we are now included in God’s chosen through the death and resurrection of his son, the ultimate sacrifice. The writer of Hebrews emphasizes this point by saying, “let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need” (4:16). Our debt is now paid for in the death and resurrection of Christ. He defeated sin and death so that we may enter into relationship with the Father. He is the fulfillment of the law; the ultimate sacrifice. As my class went through the Bible in my Old Testament class last semester, I was constantly in awe of God’s goodness. Everything He did, no matter how hard it was for us to understand, was for the good of his people. We are chosen by God, and as Christians, we are to love God with our whole beings, and to submit to his will. During this time of Lent, I encourage you to reflect on what that will mean in your life. What parts of your life are you holding on to and not surrendering totally to God?

Dear Lord,

You are good and you know us better than we know ourselves. I praise you for all that you do in our lives. Thank you for sending your son so that we may live in eternity with you. Forgive us when we try to take control and ignore your will. I pray that we surrender to your will every day and that our hearts become more like yours. Teach us to love like you.

In Jesus’ name, Amen. 

Braindead

If there's anything I've learned this year, it's that I'm not a philosopher. I enjoy learning, and I will own up to being a nerd any day, but I my brain does not desire to think deeply about hypothetical questions that don't have any solid basis. It's such a struggle to try and answer a question that doesn't have an answer. My teacher knows going in that I won't have an answer, and I know that I won't be able to argue as well as he wants me to. I know that it's all a part of the learning process. I'm learning to better reason through problems, which I know is a good thing, but it's hard to convince my self of that at the moment. Right now, I'm sitting in a study room with two of my best friends trying to prove that we cannot have a rational account of justice without an account of the human good...so I'm in the process of defining first the human good...and then justice. But here's the catch, I can only use the texts that we've read in class. I'm drowning in Plato. HELP. 

Oh, and I have 3 other papers to do this week on top of my Justice midterm... it's gonna be a late one. The good news is: SPRING BREAK IS SO CLOSE. 3 DAYS AND COUNTING. 

Today was a great day. My Mondays and Wednesday are a different kind of busy than my Tuesday/Thursdays schedule, which are filled with school. I was able to rearrange my schedule so I can spend more time in Malvern. Today, I got to go to the high school, which is great and overwhelming, exciting and scary. Basically, any emotion I could feel, I feel walking into the school. I get there and walk in and realize how much I don't belong. I run into one girl I know and then journey into the abyss of unfamiliar faces. All I want to do is go hide in the bathroom (which I almost did) and wait until all the kids get on the bus...which of course, would defeat the whole purpose of going to the school. I ended up leaving way earlier than I should have, but I'm learning. It's a process. I panicked and got super nervous...so I fled. It's my gut instinct, "Get back to the car; it's safe there." Even still, I'm thankful for being able to go to the school, and failing, realizing that I was trying to go on my own accord...on my own strength. I panicked...I was relying on my own abilities and not allowing the Spirit to work through me.

My Monday schedule is great. I have one class in the morning, then go do homework and leave for GV at 2:00 to catch the bell at 2:30. Then, depending on whether I am hanging out with anyone, I go and do homework in the 'Bucks until Club, which was a great tonight. It was a smaller crowd, but the energy was really high and I feel like everyone was really well loved, which is always the goal.

Life As I Know It

So here I am, more than a month since my last post. I really need to start being more constant blogging. I'm really great at reading other people's blogs. Now that I've given up Facebook and Twitter for Lent (they had become huge distractions), I've been reading blogs even more consistently  It's a great peek into people's lives. Some of my best friends keep blogs, and it's a great way to keep up with them across states on this campus. I know that it's not a glimpse into their whole lives, but it's good to hear their thoughts...just whatever they feel like sharing.

This semester has been a whirlwind. There have been so many ups and downs. My classes are harder and I have more hours devoted to YL. At the beginning of this semester, I was given some great advice from a lady at my church. She told me to take life one day at a time, one paper at a time, one line at a time and to truly surrender each day to the Lord. Laying my worries down at the foot of the cross is this only way that I can find joy in each day. I will not find joy anywhere else than God. I want to be joyful and I want to flourish. At one of our Honors Forums earlier this semester, one of our speakers said that her goal was not for balance in her life, but rather flourishing. I've adopted that mindset. I know that it's impossible to balance each aspect of my life. There are some things that will take precedent one week and something different the next. I can't devote equal time to everything in my life. My goal is to flourish. I know that there's no way to flourish unless I'm surrendering every aspect of my life to God. And that is way more said that done. I so easily slip into self pity. "I have no time to spend with friends... there's no way I'm going to finish all this homework... my friends have so much more fun than I do... I am so sleep deprived... I need coffee... I don't want to babysit... If only I didn't have so much homework..." There is no room for that in my life. I have chosen some very time consuming things between the THC and YL and that's going to make my free time very scare, BUT I wouldn't change a thing. I honestly couldn't imagine living my college years any other way.

The Lord has provided so much this semester. He has brought such encouraging people into my life; friends who actually care for me. They take the time to ask about YL and how things are going. They truly care about me. It's been truly a blessing. He has provided me with the best roommate. Abbie gives me so much grace when I leave my clothes all over the floor and press my snooze button several times in the morning. Our living styles compliment each other so much. I'm so thankful friends who send me letters of encouragement and pray for me. I'm so thankful for my small group email chain and friends from home who are able to encourage and pray for one another. I'm thankful for my YL team and the friendships that we've developed. The Lord has brought our community in YL leadership closer together and has brought so many great new additions even since I came in the fall. I'm thankful that the Lord has provided a way for me to be able to go to the high school every week. He is so good. I'm thankful for being able to work out and all the doctors that made it possible for me to run pain-free. All glory to Him who created the universe.

Even though I am constantly battling stress and the business of life, this has been a fabulous semester. Our God is faithful through the midst of trials. I'm living for the little victories and praying to see the world through the eyes of Christ. I'm just overflowing with gratitude. I would be nothing without God. His presence is the beauty in my life.

Another Beginning

It's been a while, you poor, neglected blog. Too much has happened this semester to even begin to write about it. Forgive me for another stream of consciousness. I've realized that I express myself best on here by just letting out my thoughts.

It's been a hard one, a happy one, a sad one; one of much growth. I'm not the same person I was last August. I don't think I've changed much at my core, but I've been thrown into an atmosphere in which I have to think about really hard questions. Questions that I haven't had to sit down and really think about before. And I'm telling you what, I do not have a philosophy brain. I find myself too often relying on my own intellect. Trying to change things myself. My prayer at the beginning of the semester was for the Lord to break me. To form me and shape my heart to be more like Him. It's been a hard process. It's been painful and sad and frustrating and just down right difficult. But if anything, it's a true testament of power of prayer and God's goodness. I'm learning all over again how to rely on God for everything. Making myself nothing. Giving him all the praise and honor. That way, anything good that comes from me, I know is of the Lord. I am learning to examine myself, to search my heart and acknowledge my sin, and lay it at the feet of Christ. To remember over and over again that I am not worthy. I am not worthy of this great love, but God chose me. He loves us all more than we could ever imagine. So much that He sent His son to die for our sins, and defeat death so that we can live with him in eternity. The Gospel flows through all. It seeps into every aspect of my life. I'm learning all over again how to serve. I'm loving deeper. I don't have to do anything but love Jesus and strive to live for him, the rest will come. I'm learning to let go. To live each day as it comes. I struggle with worrying and anxiety. It's no wonder 1 Peter 5:7 is one of my favorite verses. If I think about it too hard, I will be a worrying mess about all the work I'm going to have next semester and how the heck I'm going to lead Young Life and have somewhat of a social life on top of everything else. I have to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time, one line of a paper at a time. Everything will get done. I am learning to be thankful for each day and to find joy in each day. I am so very blessed. I have so much to be thankful for. I have a God who loves me. I am alive. I have a loving family and the opportunity to live and learn with wonderful people at Eastern. When I reflect on it, I see that my worries are futile. Who knows what God has planned for the rest of my life. I can't get too ahead of myself. I can't get ahead of God. I love the devotional, My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It got me through my hard year at UT last year, and I've rediscovered it over this break. This line struck me this morning as I was reading: "Jesus doesn't take us aside and explain things to us all the time; He explains things to us as we are able to understand them"..."We have to get rid of the idea that we understand ourselves. That is always the last bit of pride to go. The one One who understands us is God." God works in His time. I'm learning to surrender and praise Him in whatever "season" of life I'm in. I'm trusting the Holy Spirit to guide me, because He is the only one who truly knows me.

I will leave you with what my Western Civ professor always says as we begin class, "Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit. As it was in the beginning, it is now and forever shall be: world without end. Amen.

Stressing

The semester is in full swing. I had a test Thursday, paper due Friday, test today, and another paper due Thursday. I'm stressing big time. I know that there is no point in stressing, but I slip back into my anxieties so quickly. I know I will get everything done. I will do my best. I know that there is a time for everything. I will get it all done, even if it seems impossible now.

Why?

Why is there still so much separation between races in America? I see it so vividly on college campuses, both at UT and Eastern. There are different levels of separation at both places, but why should that matter? The fact is that there is still racial separation amongst our young generation. I am guilty of assisting in the separation by staying within my comfort zone. Humans are more comfortable around people who are most like us, but who is to say that you won't have a lot in common with someone who doesn't seem (outwardly) like you would have any commonalities? I am making an honest effort to stop using terms and sayings such as "ghetto" or "hood" or "gangsta" when describing someone, their actions, their clothes, the way they speak. I hate it. I hate that I have an accent that my friends call my "ghetto accent." It makes me sick to my stomach that I let myself do that. It's putting down other people. It's making fun of others. I'm so sorry. It may be funny to some people, but it's offensive to others. I should only aim to speak words that are pleasing to the Lord. It's easier said that done, but I am going to make a conscious effort to lift up others and stop using those phrases and my accent. It's only encouraging separation amongst people. We claim to be a Christian school, but I don't see a diverse body of Christ functioning and loving each other as Christ loves us. There's separation within the body on campus. I'm not saying that everyone has to be best friends, but a level of respect and openness must be reached. We can talk about it till our faces turn blue, but nothing's going to happen until our words and actions CHANGE. We must be conscious about our thoughts and actions, striving to hold all captive to the Lord. There is hope. We have so much potential. It's not going to be an overnight process, but it is possible. Will you join me? Can we strive to eliminate our preformed thoughts and erase stereotypes and prejudices and get to know people for who they are regardless of outward appearance?

Ramblings

I'm here. New school. New place. New people. Busy. I haven't been making time to spend with Lord. I long for the time. I am lazy. I know He is present. I know he loves me. I know he brought me here. There are so many different thoughts and perspectives being thrown at me. I'm striving to cling to truth. I have to spend time every day with the Lord. I have to make time. I'm terrible at getting up early to have quiet times. I'm so thankful for grace. I'm good at putting on a smile for every person I pass. I'm good at getting my homework done and making time to spend with friends. It's hard to have time to myself. I love this school, but I don't feel a purpose or a place yet. I am learning. I am already thinking differently. I am being challenged. I feel younger than the other sophomores but older than the true freshman. I'm stuck in limbo. I have been filled to the brim. I feel called to be here. I want to share Jesus with others. I want to share my heart with others. I don't want to just say that I'm here, "because it felt right." I don't want to share the abridged version of my story. I want to share how the Lord has changed my life with everyone I meet. I'm here because the Lord lead me here. I'm sure of that. I don't want to just be fun and silly all the time. I long for deep conversations. I have to reach out to people. I want to pass the "hey, how are you?" relationships and get to the "hey, how are YOU?" I want people to know me. I want to know others. I want to share Jesus with high schoolers. My heart aches for kids that aren't loved. I know that it will be hard. I know that my time is going to be stretched. I know that it will be worth it. I believe that with my whole heart. I want to share my life with high school students. I want them to know Christ. Nothing that I do will change hearts, only the Lord can change hearts. I long to be used by Christ. I'm striving to be a vessel of His. I want to be filled with Christ's love. I want to let go of control. I want to be broken. That scares me. I know that there is much about my heart that I ignore. I want the brokenness in the depths of my heart to be revealed to me. I want to be molded into someone new. I am not perfect. But I am loved. 

A New Day

On Monday, I was chatting with one of my best friends about blogging while we were road-tripping it to Short Pump to get her computer fixed. She made a point that she purposely does not write for her readers. She makes a point to make her blog about her and what she wants to write and share. That really got me thinking. I so often get wrapped up in what people will think about what I write. My thought so often is: "I want to be inspiring, to not offend people, to be entertaining." I often don't blog because I don't feel like I have anything important to say. 

From now on, I'm going to blog from the heart. No restraints. If you don't want to read, fine. This blog is for me. Feel free to read and hopefully you will enjoy what you do. But I'm not going to change who I am or purposefully hold back opinions because they may be controversial. I want to speak bold words filled with salt. This blog is for me. It will reflect my heart (hopefully a heart for Christ). That is my goal.

I have been very inconsistant with my quiet times recently. Overall, this year was the most consistant I have ever been in the Word. Being away from home and away from my high school community, I really had to rely on the Lord. I made it a priority to be in the Word. I longed for it. I found my strength in Him. This past month, though, I have not been so consistant. I've let school and friends and tennis take priority. I could get up early to spend time with God, but I don't. I let myself sleep in until the last possible minute. In this time of transition, when I should be leaning on the Lord with my whole being, I'm trying to take control. I'm scraping dry. I'm trying to pour myself out, when I'm not in the Word. 

I follow Jarrid Wilson on Twitter, and he has been in the Word every day for the past 276 days straight. It's such an inspiration to me. Even though it's a daunting challenge, I am going to try and read the Bible every day this summer. I need it. I long for it. I know I can't get through without Christ leading me. I won't be the person He designed me to be unless I allow Him to break me and shape my heart. 

I have been reading through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. This morning during my quiet time, he focused on Luke 14:26-28. 

Luke 14:26-28

New International Version (NIV)

²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
²⁸ “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?"

This is such a convicting passage. Two things that Oswald commented on this passage really struck me:

"This verse teaches us that the only men and women our Lord will use in His building enterprises are those who love Him personally, passionately, and with great devotion-- those who have a love for Him that goes far beyond any of the closest relationships on earth." 

"Profoundly speaking, we can never work for God. Jesus, as the Master Builder, takes us over so that He may direct and control us completely for His enterprises and His building plans; and no one has any right to demand where He will be put to work." 

I have to let go of control. Strive to love the Lord more than anything or anyone on earth.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,
Ky

Drama Queen

Hey y'all.

It's stinking beautiful outside today and I have to sit in the library and write a paper. ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON. But oh well, woe is me. 'Tis the life of a college student.

The bane of my existence. 

I just can't focus. And I just drank a whole java chip frap, so I'm going to be bouncing off the walls soon. I don't wanna write this paper. How bad would it really be to get a zero? Just kidding. (Or am I?)


Summer is SO CLOSE. Why can't it just be this time next week? Then I'll be done with my first year of college! Holy goodness. I can't believe it's almost over.

Anyways, sorry for the total randomness of this post. My mind is going way too fast right now.

OH! But guess what? I ran into my English teacher from last semester and she remembered my name and where I was from. She is too presh. It made my day.

Hope you guys are actually able to enjoy this beautiful day!

The days drag on; the weeks fly by

Well, here it is. Exam time. I'm almost ready for exam week next week so I can focus on just one class at a time. This week has been such a crazy, hectic, study filled week and it's just Wednesday. It's one of those weeks that my mind is running at a mile a minute, which of course makes it so much harder to focus on just one assignment at a time. It's hard to even feel like I've made a dent in my school work, and the prospects of summer are hanging over my head. I feel like this. (Except summer is carrot.)

Small group :)

The idea of summer is also really bittersweet.... because I'm not coming back to UT next year. I'm going to be studying Youth Ministry at Eastern University next year! I'm very excited about it, but it's going to be hard to leave my friends at UT. I feel like I'm a senior in high school all over again. I know that the friendships that I have made at UT will last, though. I have the most amazing, supportive small group, and I cannot WAIT for reunions in the future. I know God placed each of us together for a reason. I have learned so much from these girls this year and we have all become so close. I'm so thankful for all of you. Christ's love flows from all of you in all you do. You are all fighting for Christ and that is reflected in your lives. I'm so blessed to call each and every one of you my friend.

I am also so thankful for their support in my decision to transfer. They have loved me and encouraged me throughout this whole process. I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. Looking back, I'm so glad that I came to UT. I would never change anything about this year. I have learned so much about myself, I have grown SO much, and now, I know it's time to move on. It's time to turn and new page. I'm ready, Lord. Use me.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,
Ky

Testify to Love

Well hello there blogging world! It's been a while. I apologize for neglecting my poor little blog here, but thanks so much for still reading! It means so much :)

Anywho, I'm sitting up on the hill right now "studying" for my sociology exam, wishing that I would have brought my bible up here so I could do my quiet time in this beautiful weather. 

This week alone has been a very convicting one for me. I've realized how much I rely on my actions. My heart is so often not in what I do, even though my actions seem very "Christian." I somehow convince myself that I can earn the Lord's favor through my actions. I put myself up on a pedestal because I seem like such a "good person." I so often don't appreciate the depth of love that Jesus has for me. I focus so much on what it means for me to live for Him through my actions and I overlook the incredible GIFT of grace that he gave me, because he loves me so much.

There is so much on my heart right now. The Lord is breaking me in ways that I haven't been broken before. I'm struggling to put it into words, so I'm going to leave you with this song that never fails to touch my heart.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,

Ky

Perfect Peace

Trying to remember and embrace this today. It's been a long and trying week, but spring break is only hours away!

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Kylie

Each Lenten season, my church puts together a Lent Devotional.  I was asked this year to contribute. I hope you enjoy!

Mark 3:7-19

Crowds Follow Jesus

 ⁷ Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the lake, and a large crowd from Galilee followed. ⁸ When they heard all he was doing, many people came to him from Judea, Jerusalem, Idumea, and the regions across the Jordan and around Tyre and Sidon. ⁹ Because of the crowd he told his disciples to have a small boat ready for him, to keep the people from crowding him. ¹⁰ For he had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch him. ¹¹ Whenever the evil^[a]spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, “You are the Son of God.” ¹² But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was.

The Appointing of the Twelve Apostles

 ¹³ Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. ¹⁴ He appointed twelve—designating them apostles^[b]—that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach ¹⁵ and to have authority to drive out demons. ¹⁶ These are the twelve he appointed: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); ¹⁷ James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means Sons of Thunder); ¹⁸ Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot ¹⁹ and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.

After reflecting on this passage, it struck me how important nature and being secluded were to Jesus. Even he needed time alone with his closest friends. It was so difficult for him to find refuge away from the crowds. He found retreat in nature at the lake and on the mountainside. What comes to mind when I read this passage is being on a kayak on Moosehead Lake with my family during the summer. There is something special about being out on the water away from everything. I’m able to think and reflect on life. It’s a place that I feel very close to the Lord.

Reading this passage made me also realize how important it is for us as Christians to have community and to spend time in fellowship away from the distractions of life. Having completed almost a year of college, I have realized how precious time alone with my closest friends is. I have enormous amounts of homework, long hours in the athletic training room, and share a room with someone else. I am enjoying college, but I have discovered that it is nearly impossible to have time without any distractions. I have found community through Young Life, a non-denominational Christian ministry on campus. I have a small group Bible study every Monday and I find myself looking forward to that time with my closest girl friends on campus. It’s a time I can relax and truly be myself. I can share my deepest desires, fears, and hopes for my life. We love and encourage each other and for that hour or so a week, we can all unwind and enjoy community and fellowship.

Just as Jesus the crowds were pushing in on Jesus, we need to take time to be alone when the stresses of life push around us. Take some time during this Lenten season and rest in community. Whether it be in a service Sunday morning, on a mountaintop, or in a bible study, spend time encouraging one another away from the busy-ness of life. After all, we are called to spread the gospel just as much as the original apostles were. He gave them much responsibility and power in his name. Jesus personally chose you and me, just as he did the twelve.  It is so easy to be consumed with life and moving from one task to the next, but it comes to a point when we need to separate ourselves and refuel and truly depend on the strength of the Lord to get through.

Dear Lord, thank you for sending your son so that we may enjoy eternity with you. I pray that during this time of Lent we make time to enjoy community with other believers. I pray that we encourage one another and build relationships built around you, just as your relationship was with your twelve apostles. Give us the courage to live boldly for you. Amen.

You are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Ky :)

My Gatlinburg Family

Since before I was born, my dad and about 8 of his closest college friends have had a reunion every Labor Day weekend. It's become one of my favorite weekends of the year. Over the years, it expanded from a bunch of college grads and their girlfriends, to a bunch of college grads with their wives and then the kids came along (we now out number the adults). Every Labor Day we pile into a chalet in the Smokey Mountains. Even though most of us only see each other once a year, we are always able to pick up right where we left off. We've become a family. The kids are all friends and all of the adults have become like second and third and fourth sets of parents to each of us. One of the things that I find the most incredible about this group though, is that each one of the couples has stayed together. With the 50% divorce rate in the US, I would say that is quite a feat.

My Gatlinburg received some sad news today. Timmer, one of the original eight, passed away this afternoon from a heart attack. I don't think Timmer ever missed a reunion. He, wife Lyneve, and sons Brady and Luke are some of the most loving people you will meet. As a vehicle-less freshman at UT this fall, they graciously offered to pick me up from school on the way to the chalet. On the way, they took me out to dinner (because what college student doesn't love free food). Timmer shared his college memories with me and gave me advice that I will never forget: find what you love to do and by doing so, you will be happy. I remember him telling me that before at the previous reunion. I was in full swing with college searches and had my heart set on going to UT. We were sitting on one of the decks of the chalet and talking about college and my plans for my life. I remember him mentioning that the best advice he can offer me is to find what I love to do and to do it. I have taken that advice to heart and over the past two semesters I have been truly trying to find what makes me happy. I'm still figuring it out, but I am determined to do so.

The loss of Timmer has hit our extended Gatlinburg family hard. We've lost a friend. Brady and Luke have lost their dad and Lyneve her husband. I have no doubt though that Timmer was welcomed into Heaven this afternoon and is now with God. Even though it seems like there was no reason for him to be taken away from those who love him, I have faith that the Lord will bring good out of this.

Even though this is cliche, every time I lose someone, it makes me realize how truly short life is. I should live life to the fullest. I should show the love of Christ to everyone I encounter. I need to let people know that I care about them. Living away from many people that I love, I am very inconsistent with keeping in touch. Losing Timmer has made me realize that there is no guarantee that I will have tomorrow. I am going to strive to live that way.

I miss you already, Timmer. I can't imagine a Gatlinburg weekend without you.