Stressing

The semester is in full swing. I had a test Thursday, paper due Friday, test today, and another paper due Thursday. I'm stressing big time. I know that there is no point in stressing, but I slip back into my anxieties so quickly. I know I will get everything done. I will do my best. I know that there is a time for everything. I will get it all done, even if it seems impossible now.

Why?

Why is there still so much separation between races in America? I see it so vividly on college campuses, both at UT and Eastern. There are different levels of separation at both places, but why should that matter? The fact is that there is still racial separation amongst our young generation. I am guilty of assisting in the separation by staying within my comfort zone. Humans are more comfortable around people who are most like us, but who is to say that you won't have a lot in common with someone who doesn't seem (outwardly) like you would have any commonalities? I am making an honest effort to stop using terms and sayings such as "ghetto" or "hood" or "gangsta" when describing someone, their actions, their clothes, the way they speak. I hate it. I hate that I have an accent that my friends call my "ghetto accent." It makes me sick to my stomach that I let myself do that. It's putting down other people. It's making fun of others. I'm so sorry. It may be funny to some people, but it's offensive to others. I should only aim to speak words that are pleasing to the Lord. It's easier said that done, but I am going to make a conscious effort to lift up others and stop using those phrases and my accent. It's only encouraging separation amongst people. We claim to be a Christian school, but I don't see a diverse body of Christ functioning and loving each other as Christ loves us. There's separation within the body on campus. I'm not saying that everyone has to be best friends, but a level of respect and openness must be reached. We can talk about it till our faces turn blue, but nothing's going to happen until our words and actions CHANGE. We must be conscious about our thoughts and actions, striving to hold all captive to the Lord. There is hope. We have so much potential. It's not going to be an overnight process, but it is possible. Will you join me? Can we strive to eliminate our preformed thoughts and erase stereotypes and prejudices and get to know people for who they are regardless of outward appearance?

Ramblings

I'm here. New school. New place. New people. Busy. I haven't been making time to spend with Lord. I long for the time. I am lazy. I know He is present. I know he loves me. I know he brought me here. There are so many different thoughts and perspectives being thrown at me. I'm striving to cling to truth. I have to spend time every day with the Lord. I have to make time. I'm terrible at getting up early to have quiet times. I'm so thankful for grace. I'm good at putting on a smile for every person I pass. I'm good at getting my homework done and making time to spend with friends. It's hard to have time to myself. I love this school, but I don't feel a purpose or a place yet. I am learning. I am already thinking differently. I am being challenged. I feel younger than the other sophomores but older than the true freshman. I'm stuck in limbo. I have been filled to the brim. I feel called to be here. I want to share Jesus with others. I want to share my heart with others. I don't want to just say that I'm here, "because it felt right." I don't want to share the abridged version of my story. I want to share how the Lord has changed my life with everyone I meet. I'm here because the Lord lead me here. I'm sure of that. I don't want to just be fun and silly all the time. I long for deep conversations. I have to reach out to people. I want to pass the "hey, how are you?" relationships and get to the "hey, how are YOU?" I want people to know me. I want to know others. I want to share Jesus with high schoolers. My heart aches for kids that aren't loved. I know that it will be hard. I know that my time is going to be stretched. I know that it will be worth it. I believe that with my whole heart. I want to share my life with high school students. I want them to know Christ. Nothing that I do will change hearts, only the Lord can change hearts. I long to be used by Christ. I'm striving to be a vessel of His. I want to be filled with Christ's love. I want to let go of control. I want to be broken. That scares me. I know that there is much about my heart that I ignore. I want the brokenness in the depths of my heart to be revealed to me. I want to be molded into someone new. I am not perfect. But I am loved. 

A New Day

On Monday, I was chatting with one of my best friends about blogging while we were road-tripping it to Short Pump to get her computer fixed. She made a point that she purposely does not write for her readers. She makes a point to make her blog about her and what she wants to write and share. That really got me thinking. I so often get wrapped up in what people will think about what I write. My thought so often is: "I want to be inspiring, to not offend people, to be entertaining." I often don't blog because I don't feel like I have anything important to say. 

From now on, I'm going to blog from the heart. No restraints. If you don't want to read, fine. This blog is for me. Feel free to read and hopefully you will enjoy what you do. But I'm not going to change who I am or purposefully hold back opinions because they may be controversial. I want to speak bold words filled with salt. This blog is for me. It will reflect my heart (hopefully a heart for Christ). That is my goal.

I have been very inconsistant with my quiet times recently. Overall, this year was the most consistant I have ever been in the Word. Being away from home and away from my high school community, I really had to rely on the Lord. I made it a priority to be in the Word. I longed for it. I found my strength in Him. This past month, though, I have not been so consistant. I've let school and friends and tennis take priority. I could get up early to spend time with God, but I don't. I let myself sleep in until the last possible minute. In this time of transition, when I should be leaning on the Lord with my whole being, I'm trying to take control. I'm scraping dry. I'm trying to pour myself out, when I'm not in the Word. 

I follow Jarrid Wilson on Twitter, and he has been in the Word every day for the past 276 days straight. It's such an inspiration to me. Even though it's a daunting challenge, I am going to try and read the Bible every day this summer. I need it. I long for it. I know I can't get through without Christ leading me. I won't be the person He designed me to be unless I allow Him to break me and shape my heart. 

I have been reading through My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. This morning during my quiet time, he focused on Luke 14:26-28. 

Luke 14:26-28

New International Version (NIV)

²⁶ “If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple. ²⁷ And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
²⁸ “Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?"

This is such a convicting passage. Two things that Oswald commented on this passage really struck me:

"This verse teaches us that the only men and women our Lord will use in His building enterprises are those who love Him personally, passionately, and with great devotion-- those who have a love for Him that goes far beyond any of the closest relationships on earth." 

"Profoundly speaking, we can never work for God. Jesus, as the Master Builder, takes us over so that He may direct and control us completely for His enterprises and His building plans; and no one has any right to demand where He will be put to work." 

I have to let go of control. Strive to love the Lord more than anything or anyone on earth.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,
Ky

Drama Queen

Hey y'all.

It's stinking beautiful outside today and I have to sit in the library and write a paper. ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON. But oh well, woe is me. 'Tis the life of a college student.

The bane of my existence. 

I just can't focus. And I just drank a whole java chip frap, so I'm going to be bouncing off the walls soon. I don't wanna write this paper. How bad would it really be to get a zero? Just kidding. (Or am I?)


Summer is SO CLOSE. Why can't it just be this time next week? Then I'll be done with my first year of college! Holy goodness. I can't believe it's almost over.

Anyways, sorry for the total randomness of this post. My mind is going way too fast right now.

OH! But guess what? I ran into my English teacher from last semester and she remembered my name and where I was from. She is too presh. It made my day.

Hope you guys are actually able to enjoy this beautiful day!

The days drag on; the weeks fly by

Well, here it is. Exam time. I'm almost ready for exam week next week so I can focus on just one class at a time. This week has been such a crazy, hectic, study filled week and it's just Wednesday. It's one of those weeks that my mind is running at a mile a minute, which of course makes it so much harder to focus on just one assignment at a time. It's hard to even feel like I've made a dent in my school work, and the prospects of summer are hanging over my head. I feel like this. (Except summer is carrot.)

Small group :)

The idea of summer is also really bittersweet.... because I'm not coming back to UT next year. I'm going to be studying Youth Ministry at Eastern University next year! I'm very excited about it, but it's going to be hard to leave my friends at UT. I feel like I'm a senior in high school all over again. I know that the friendships that I have made at UT will last, though. I have the most amazing, supportive small group, and I cannot WAIT for reunions in the future. I know God placed each of us together for a reason. I have learned so much from these girls this year and we have all become so close. I'm so thankful for all of you. Christ's love flows from all of you in all you do. You are all fighting for Christ and that is reflected in your lives. I'm so blessed to call each and every one of you my friend.

I am also so thankful for their support in my decision to transfer. They have loved me and encouraged me throughout this whole process. I feel like this is what I'm supposed to do. Looking back, I'm so glad that I came to UT. I would never change anything about this year. I have learned so much about myself, I have grown SO much, and now, I know it's time to move on. It's time to turn and new page. I'm ready, Lord. Use me.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,
Ky

Testify to Love

Well hello there blogging world! It's been a while. I apologize for neglecting my poor little blog here, but thanks so much for still reading! It means so much :)

Anywho, I'm sitting up on the hill right now "studying" for my sociology exam, wishing that I would have brought my bible up here so I could do my quiet time in this beautiful weather. 

This week alone has been a very convicting one for me. I've realized how much I rely on my actions. My heart is so often not in what I do, even though my actions seem very "Christian." I somehow convince myself that I can earn the Lord's favor through my actions. I put myself up on a pedestal because I seem like such a "good person." I so often don't appreciate the depth of love that Jesus has for me. I focus so much on what it means for me to live for Him through my actions and I overlook the incredible GIFT of grace that he gave me, because he loves me so much.

There is so much on my heart right now. The Lord is breaking me in ways that I haven't been broken before. I'm struggling to put it into words, so I'm going to leave you with this song that never fails to touch my heart.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,

Ky

Perfect Peace

Trying to remember and embrace this today. It's been a long and trying week, but spring break is only hours away!

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Kylie

Each Lenten season, my church puts together a Lent Devotional.  I was asked this year to contribute. I hope you enjoy!

Mark 3:7-19

Crowds Follow Jesus

 ⁷ Jesus withdrew with his disciples to the lake, and a large crowd from Galilee followed. ⁸ When they heard all he was doing, many people came to him from Judea, Jerusalem, Idumea, and the regions across the Jordan and around Tyre and Sidon. ⁹ Because of the crowd he told his disciples to have a small boat ready for him, to keep the people from crowding him. ¹⁰ For he had healed many, so that those with diseases were pushing forward to touch him. ¹¹ Whenever the evil^[a]spirits saw him, they fell down before him and cried out, “You are the Son of God.” ¹² But he gave them strict orders not to tell who he was.

The Appointing of the Twelve Apostles

 ¹³ Jesus went up on a mountainside and called to him those he wanted, and they came to him. ¹⁴ He appointed twelve—designating them apostles^[b]—that they might be with him and that he might send them out to preach ¹⁵ and to have authority to drive out demons. ¹⁶ These are the twelve he appointed: Simon (to whom he gave the name Peter); ¹⁷ James son of Zebedee and his brother John (to them he gave the name Boanerges, which means Sons of Thunder); ¹⁸ Andrew, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Thomas, James son of Alphaeus, Thaddaeus, Simon the Zealot ¹⁹ and Judas Iscariot, who betrayed him.

After reflecting on this passage, it struck me how important nature and being secluded were to Jesus. Even he needed time alone with his closest friends. It was so difficult for him to find refuge away from the crowds. He found retreat in nature at the lake and on the mountainside. What comes to mind when I read this passage is being on a kayak on Moosehead Lake with my family during the summer. There is something special about being out on the water away from everything. I’m able to think and reflect on life. It’s a place that I feel very close to the Lord.

Reading this passage made me also realize how important it is for us as Christians to have community and to spend time in fellowship away from the distractions of life. Having completed almost a year of college, I have realized how precious time alone with my closest friends is. I have enormous amounts of homework, long hours in the athletic training room, and share a room with someone else. I am enjoying college, but I have discovered that it is nearly impossible to have time without any distractions. I have found community through Young Life, a non-denominational Christian ministry on campus. I have a small group Bible study every Monday and I find myself looking forward to that time with my closest girl friends on campus. It’s a time I can relax and truly be myself. I can share my deepest desires, fears, and hopes for my life. We love and encourage each other and for that hour or so a week, we can all unwind and enjoy community and fellowship.

Just as Jesus the crowds were pushing in on Jesus, we need to take time to be alone when the stresses of life push around us. Take some time during this Lenten season and rest in community. Whether it be in a service Sunday morning, on a mountaintop, or in a bible study, spend time encouraging one another away from the busy-ness of life. After all, we are called to spread the gospel just as much as the original apostles were. He gave them much responsibility and power in his name. Jesus personally chose you and me, just as he did the twelve.  It is so easy to be consumed with life and moving from one task to the next, but it comes to a point when we need to separate ourselves and refuel and truly depend on the strength of the Lord to get through.

Dear Lord, thank you for sending your son so that we may enjoy eternity with you. I pray that during this time of Lent we make time to enjoy community with other believers. I pray that we encourage one another and build relationships built around you, just as your relationship was with your twelve apostles. Give us the courage to live boldly for you. Amen.

You are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Ky :)

My Gatlinburg Family

Since before I was born, my dad and about 8 of his closest college friends have had a reunion every Labor Day weekend. It's become one of my favorite weekends of the year. Over the years, it expanded from a bunch of college grads and their girlfriends, to a bunch of college grads with their wives and then the kids came along (we now out number the adults). Every Labor Day we pile into a chalet in the Smokey Mountains. Even though most of us only see each other once a year, we are always able to pick up right where we left off. We've become a family. The kids are all friends and all of the adults have become like second and third and fourth sets of parents to each of us. One of the things that I find the most incredible about this group though, is that each one of the couples has stayed together. With the 50% divorce rate in the US, I would say that is quite a feat.

My Gatlinburg received some sad news today. Timmer, one of the original eight, passed away this afternoon from a heart attack. I don't think Timmer ever missed a reunion. He, wife Lyneve, and sons Brady and Luke are some of the most loving people you will meet. As a vehicle-less freshman at UT this fall, they graciously offered to pick me up from school on the way to the chalet. On the way, they took me out to dinner (because what college student doesn't love free food). Timmer shared his college memories with me and gave me advice that I will never forget: find what you love to do and by doing so, you will be happy. I remember him telling me that before at the previous reunion. I was in full swing with college searches and had my heart set on going to UT. We were sitting on one of the decks of the chalet and talking about college and my plans for my life. I remember him mentioning that the best advice he can offer me is to find what I love to do and to do it. I have taken that advice to heart and over the past two semesters I have been truly trying to find what makes me happy. I'm still figuring it out, but I am determined to do so.

The loss of Timmer has hit our extended Gatlinburg family hard. We've lost a friend. Brady and Luke have lost their dad and Lyneve her husband. I have no doubt though that Timmer was welcomed into Heaven this afternoon and is now with God. Even though it seems like there was no reason for him to be taken away from those who love him, I have faith that the Lord will bring good out of this.

Even though this is cliche, every time I lose someone, it makes me realize how truly short life is. I should live life to the fullest. I should show the love of Christ to everyone I encounter. I need to let people know that I care about them. Living away from many people that I love, I am very inconsistent with keeping in touch. Losing Timmer has made me realize that there is no guarantee that I will have tomorrow. I am going to strive to live that way.

I miss you already, Timmer. I can't imagine a Gatlinburg weekend without you.

This is my anthem for the day.

You are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Love,

Ky

Learning

I'm learning to:

trust that the Lord truly is guiding my life. 

let go of the urge to be in control. 

be uncomfortable. 

listen.

be still.

live radically.

lead a life that reflects what I believe.

be open to other options.

not let fears direct my decisions.

be in the habit of spending time with Jesus every morning.

love my neighbor.

appreciate every day.

have an open heart.

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Love,

Ky

Hypocrite

Yesterday during my quiet time I was thinking about what it means to be a hypocrite and the different types of hypocrites.  I often pride myself in not being the type of hypocrite that first comes to mind; one that goes directly against their word about a certain action.  What comes to mind immediately is people on college campuses stating that they are Christian and then turning around and getting completely drunk every weekend.  I tend to get on this high horse because for the most part, I strive to make my actions reflect what I believe.  As I was thinking about it, I realized that I am just as much of a hypocrite as the people I so often judge.  By judging them, I'm being a hypocrite.  I claim to love Jesus, so why am I not acting like him?  He would embrace those people, love them regardless, and I tend to automatically put myself in a higher "moral class" than them because in my mind, by me not drinking, I'm not as bad of a hypocrite as they are.  FALSE.  I'm just as bad.  I don't love people as well as I should.  I so often let myself become comfortable in the people I hang around and the way I act.  I become consumed about me.  My problems, my loneliness, my struggles, who I'm hanging out with, when I should be always striving to be like Him.  While I was reflecting on all this, I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I really strived to show Christ's love to all.  Yeah, it's easy to be a "good" person, but I so often do it for myself in order to make friends or seem like a nice individual.  If I don't go into with the intentions of showing the love of God, what point is there?  By not acting on what I claim I believe, I'm being just as much as a hypocrite as the "hypocrites" I see on campus and I have no right to judge.  I gossip, I judge people, I put others down so I feel better about myself.  How is that any different than what I see others doing?  So, even though I don't usually do New Years resolutions, I think this is going to be mine: I am going to strive to strive to not be a hypocrite. I am going to be aware of my actions and not judge others because of theirs.  I have no right to do so and am only turing people off to Christ by doing so.  And is that what I'm called to do as a Christian? NOPE.  It's the exact opposite.  I'm obviously can't do it all on my own, the Lord can only change my heart, but I am now going to let him.  I'm trying to let go of those feelings and make a change.


To all who have felt judged by me: I'm sorry, truly.  I hope you can forgive me.

   “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye." Matthew 7:3-5

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,


Love,
Ky

Untitled

As my computer is slowly but surely backing up onto my much neglected hard drive, I figured I might as well post again.  Dude, posting three times in two days!  It's a new record fo sho.

Recently I've been reflecting on how much I love my family.  I'm so incredibly blessed with a family that loves and supports me unconditionally.  They pray for me and I pray for them while I'm at school.  They supported me when I decided to go out of state, taking on an enormous amount of debt, because we all believe that UT is where the Lord wanted me to be.  Going to school so far away has especially made me appreciate them.  I miss my family when I'm away, but I know that I will be welcomed home.   My dad took the day off of work today just to be able to have one last whole day with the six of us home before I head back to UT for spring semester.  I am looking forward to going back, because I know that I will always have my family.  Now as I am feeling called to serve the Lord in a different capacity, my family is behind me one hundred percent.  I have a never ending support system and I am so thankful for them.

Also, yesterday a friend of mine asked me to share my testimony for a project he's working on.  Feel free to check it out. :)

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year from my family to yours!

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made,

Love,

Ky

Christmas Travels

One of my favorite parts of Christmas is going to visit family in Nashville and Kentucky.  It really doesn't feel like Christmas without the enormous Roberts get together or spending time with my two cousins in Bowling Green.  There is something very special about both.  I wouldn't trade my family for anything.  Enjoy some shots from our travels!

YOU are Beautifully and Wonderfully Made.

Love,

Ky

Ramblings

If there's one thing I'm sure of is that people change.  It's a part of life that I've been especially experiencing recently.  I'm in the weirdest transition period of my life now.  I'm in limbo between high school and college.  I love my family and love being home because of them, but there aren't many friends that I'm super close to in my town.  I don't really fit in with the crowd of people around my age and it's hard.  I often feel left out, even though it's just a natural separation.  It's neither party's fault.  It's just life.  I t's nothing that I've experienced before.  I don't exactly have a group of best friends at UT right now, but that's not expected either because I've only been there for a semester.  I have good foundations for friendships though, which is great and I'm really looking forward to building up those relationships this semester.  Part of me is looking forward to going back to school, but most of me is not quite ready to go back yet.  It's so comfortable at home with my family.  I don't like being so far away.  I know that they will always be here.  If they just weren't so great it wouldn't be so hard to leave.  I know as soon as I get back on campus and back into the swing of things, everything will be fine.  I really do enjoy being there, it's just hard leaving as soon as I'm comfortable at home again.  I'm especially worried because I have no idea what my life will look like after this semester.  I would so much rather face this new stage at home with my parents than at school all by myself.  I'm learning to truly let the Lord have control and it's quite the challenge, as I'm a control freak and planner.  It's becoming pretty clear that the Lord has a different plan for me than what I had originally intended.

Winter on my aunt's Kentucky farm.